For many years growing up, I would say things like “this is what I want in a guy…” or “my perfect guy needs to be this…” I was ultra-picky, specific, and entitled about what I wanted, but every time I thought I found someone who fit the bill, I’d end up feeling extra disappointed.
One day, I was feeling extra jaded and upset about my life and love, so I put together a list for my own reference. Creating this list was so I could stay focused on what I wanted in a man (priorities, amiright?).
“What I Want in a Perfect Man”
- A guy who volunteers or gives back to the community
- At least college or masters-level education
- Confident and assertive
- A guy who cares about his health and regularly works out
- Someone who understands the struggle of growing up disadvantaged
- Someone who is honest, kind, and communicative
- A guy who has swag and a sense of humor
- A guy who knows what he wants out of his career
I had decided that this was my dream guy, so now I gotta go out and find him, right?
I looked at my list again and realized many, many things.
I Needed To Be More Realistic
First, how can I expect these qualities from a man when I don’t even hit all of these things myself? I volunteer once in awhile, I don’t regularly go to the gym, I haven’t even gone to grad school, I have poor sleep hygiene, I live off of chocolate, and I definitely don’t have a clear career path right now. Even if I did happen to find a man like the one above, I would feel awfully inadequate and extremely insecure in comparison. What have I done? As a result of these feelings, even if I played all my cards right, the relationship would never work out because of ME.
People Attract Like-Minded People
I spent a great deal of time staring at my list, and I thought to myself, “these qualities are really specific, is there a reason why I want this in a man?” Then it hit me, these were actually the goals I wanted for myself. I would absolutely LOVE to embody all of those qualities. After realizing that, I decided to take up a new mind-frame when it came to this “Perfect Man” list. If I ever wanted to meet a guy like this, I needed to work towards becoming my own Perfect Man first. After all, you attract who you are. If you feel insecure about yourself, secure men will smell that on you. However, a fellow insecure person might feel like they can relate to you. So that explains why I always attracted guys I didn’t really want.
Learn More About Yourself
So after having my little Eureka moment (yes, it’s little things like these that make my day), I started thinking about my past behavior in relationships. As a girlfriend, I was always supportive and oh, so kind. Unfortunately, it was to the point where I’d lose my own identity and lose focus on my goals. My boyfriend’s successes were my successes, and we all know that’s not true. Success is earned. I learned that I felt a sense of security through being with a successful guy, and whenever I felt like the relationship was wavering or if we encountered an obstacle, I was in a state of confusion.
To be honest, I was so sick of losing myself to my boyfriend. I needed to actually find out what I truly wanted to do/be, plan out a game plan, and freaking hustle to build my own life. Before, I never knew where to start. However, after putting together my Perfect Man list…I realized I had it all scribbled out in front of me. This Perfect Man List was the person I actually wanted to become.
So I call this goal-setting technique “The Perfect Man Method.” It’s meant for all women, but especially those boy crazy women who want to be with the perfect guy but feel like they have also lost themselves in their current relationship or are constantly not feeling good enough when dating. That was a run-on sentence.
In the end, it wasn’t the guy who was my issue (well, sometimes, but that’s a story for another day), it was actually my own insecurities preventing me from having a healthy and strong relationship with the man of my dreams. Since then, I checked off a few of these goals — I started grad school, my career is starting to take off, I’m more confident in my own abilities, and I’m more zoned into my own goals. Overall, I am extremely content and happy with my life because I know I’m living it fully and on my own terms.
This Perfect Man List actually prompted me to hold off on rushing into a relationship at the time. After putting together that checklist, and coming to my many conclusions, I realized I was officially unavailable for dating because I was currently under construction.
Try it out, and let me know if this technique works for you, or if you think it’s complete bull. At the very least, you can work on your penmanship.
Have a lovely day!